i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
