The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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