I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
