For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
