no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just found a bag of teeth...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
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