I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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