her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
