He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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