im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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