WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
