at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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