You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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