I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
