Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
