I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize