chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
