somebody snuck up and got me drunk
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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