so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize