I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
