Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
