forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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