Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
