i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
