What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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