I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
