considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
