My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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