Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
