Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Randomize
