this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
