is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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