Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
