Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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