Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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