I look better un-naked...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
