wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
