Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Did you pee in the oven last night??
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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