If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
