i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
