I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
