you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
