I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
