if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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