i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize