i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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