i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He? As in you personified your dick?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
