I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Drunk is a universal language darling
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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