Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
now i know why i became what i already was.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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