In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
