you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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