I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
