headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
