if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
