Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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