I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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