WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
