If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
