the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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