Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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