i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
