My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
