I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
