I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize